What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
