I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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