Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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