Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize