I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
BRING THE BAGELS
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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