I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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