fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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