I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
