i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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