u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
sarcasm needs its own font
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
