It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
