For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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