True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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