a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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