He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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