I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
