That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
