i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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