you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
