If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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