i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
