his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
