It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
