i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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