probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
