I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Girls should come with a carfax report
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
