I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize