foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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