just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
