update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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