Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
