I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
