Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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