Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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