he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
