if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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