Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
