i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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