This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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