I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
