I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I think i got beer on your cat.
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