tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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