Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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