Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
