I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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