as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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