Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
