did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
