walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
