Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
