the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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