I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
