when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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