Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize