Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
