this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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