I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize