He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
