Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She told me I should be a condom model.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize