i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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