dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
