just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Randomize