I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
