Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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