i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He kissed a someone with a penis
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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